Biloxi blues 3

Driver Safety Course Hell!

The Crime : making an illegal left turn into a gas station that had no customers in the middle of the day.

The Cop:  Stereotypical jerk.

The cop informs me that going to court will cost me WAY more money, but if I take the online safety class, I will only pay $105.00 AND will be on supervision.  So even though my friends tell me going to court is way better, cheaper, AND you still get supervision, I believe the cop.

I won't make that mistake again.


Day one, hour one, of the Online Safety class is not bad.  I got to play a couple games like Wheel of Speed and Tic Tac Collision.  Good times, got full allotted points, AND I figured out how to skip two boring video's and click next before they started.  


I learn that I have until the end of September to finish Online Safety School, so of course I quit after hour one and don't look at it again until late Sunday night.  I have approximately 4 hours left.

Lets just say those 4 hours got old really fast.  


First, they didn't even mix up the games, same games, different questions.  What's up with that?  I thought I would play Are you Smarter than a Drunk Driver?  And maybe some Family Road Rage. 



I could no longer skip the videos no matter how hard I tried to click next.


I would finish reading skimming the page, but the monotonous voice on the page ( who reads to you out loud) took longer than our low level readers at work!


You can't move on, click next, until he's done.  


Also, I know I did a "bad" thing.  I committed  a crime, I made an illegal left turn, into a gas station, even though the sign was NOT clearly posted.  I can accept that, and I paid for it.  Well, okay, my mom sent me the money, but still...


I think it's really unfair that I had to answer trick questions about speeding and taking cold medication while driving, when I didn't do those things.  I mean yes, I have done those things in the past, but I think one hour of lecturing on illegal left turns would have been sufficient.  In fact, in the whole five hour class I think illegal left turns was mentioned once.  It may have not even be mentioned at all.


Monotonous man was condescending.  I can read all by myself and am hopeful that all licensed drivers can also read.  I don't need to be told that I shouldn't get in the car after fighting with my ex husband, crying, taking two Xanax, and drinking a bottle of wine.  


And the chances of me counting three seconds to make sure I have enough space between the driver in front of me and myself, are pretty slim.  I'm sorry monotonous man, it's just not going to happen.

I have some suggestions for the class too.  New games, simulated crashes that you can maneuver yourself.   Free booze with every class so that you can then play DUI, and see how it affects your reaction time.  Maybe some Sims like characters that you can make have road rage and you can see what happens when you don't put the baby in the car seat.  That would make the whole class worth it.  

As it stands I would have to give the class 1 and a half stars. 



I did learn one valuable lesson after the five hour online safety class, and that is


Next time I'll go to court!

Goodbye drunk, pill popping, Paula, hello Ellen

Goodbye drunk, pill popping, Paula, hello Ellen

When I first heard that Paula was whoring for more money on Idol and then got screwed over, I was surprisingly sad.  Yeah, she bugged the crap out of me, but not as much as the new girl who thinks she's the hottest thing since Tamales. Cara, Kara, whatever.  And come on, Paula is an American Idol staple. 
 I was going to miss her incoherent sentences and blubbering.  Who would Simon roll his eyes at and visibly cringe when she spoke? 
It would be like dropping that Mary Murphy screecher on So You Think You Can Dance.  Some things are better left untouched. 
If anything I would have wanted them to dump Randy.  Sorry, but the guy just does not do it for me anymore.  He's just kind of there.  I need to be entertained beyond the singers and he has not cut the mustard for awhile now.  At least Paula kept me amused.
I couldn't imagine who they were going to get, Ozzy Osborn?  Lindsay Lohn?  Her career needs a boost.  AND either she or Brittany Spears could do a good pill popping thing and it wouldn't feel like Paula was gone at all.
Imagine how thrilled I was to wake up this morning and learn MY GIRL ELLEN was replacing Paula.  OMG, I love Ellen!!!! 
Granted she was a little out of her element on So You Think You Can Dance, but seriously, sitting by the screecher and the pmsing short hair lady, probably threw her off.  And she did have a couple laugh out loud moments, so I forgave her.
I am upset that the audition rounds have been taped with no Ellen and with not funny people like Victoria Beckman.
I mean lets face it, the bad singers in audition rounds are getting old, Ellen would have been the perfect breath of fresh air. 
I would have loved to hear  " F#$#% ( beep) Ellen man, I can sing"
But we can't have everything. 
So goodbye Paula, have a nice life, bottoms up and cheers.  Hello Ellen, I am looking forward to laughing with you. 
PS.  My new favorite show, Glee, makes me giddy with excitment!

I don't even go to Temple

 Years ago I belonged to a book club that I joined in the old neighborhood.  Now, I love this neighborhood in so many ways, but some of the women there are throw backs to some era I wasn't even born into.


And when I belonged to book club there wasn't a lot of diversity in the neighboorhood.  Basically I was the token Jew.


 No matter what book or topic we get on, I am the resident expert on all things Jewish, whether it be The Old Testament (  I know about as much as I remember from 1st grade Sunday school), Hebrew ( sorry Hebrew school drop out), history of the Jewish people ( umm NO!) .   Even if the book has nothing to do with religion or culture, it always came back to my being Jewish.


 They also acted like I am related to every Jewish  person alive or dead " Laura, do you know Adam Sandler?"    One woman was so shocked that I ate a ham roll up.  Actually, appaled would be a better word.


The following is NOT a real conversation at book club, however it is very close to the truth and having said that I can not be accused of lying like the guy who wrote A Million Little Pieces.


Ethal:  Well ladies what did you all think about the book?  Laura you must have found page 75 fascinating!


Me:  ( turning to page 75 )  No, what is on this page, I don't remember this sticking out in my mind why?


Broomhilda:  Oh yes, Laura,  I marked that page off so I would remember to ask you a question.  Now she is eating lox in this passage, that's a Jewish food right?


Me:  What? I guess.  What? Wait, was that supposed to be the fascinating part? The lox?  Sorry I'm confused? ( still skimming 75 trying to find the part I was supposed to be fascinated with).


Midge:   Lox is like that other Jewish fish right, kafilthy fish?


Me:  It's Gefilte fish, and I am sorry I'm lost here,  I did want to comment on something in the book though,
  I thought the relationship between Lisa and Tom was indicative of how society has changed in the last fifty years.


Alice:   Yes I agree,  When I was a little girl I actually knew a Jewish girl and she went to church with our family one day.  Well, let me tell you, her parents got so upset because our pastor told her the truth, you know, that she was going to hell.   So I thought it was great that Tom took Lisa to the church, although I was hoping Lisa would accept Jesus into her heart.


Me:  Humm, ok, I don't think Tom took her to the church to convert her, they were going to a wedding.


Lenora:  Laura, your people don't go to church right?


Diane:  No, they go to Temple or synagogue, we are so off topic here, the different faiths of Tom and Lisa didn't have anything to do with the plot or story line.  And what's with the talk about fish?  What does that have to do with anything?


Janis:  Now Diane calm down,  I think book club is more than just discussing the book.  I personally love when Laura can share her heritage and faith with us.  It's nice to learn about other people.  I admit to knowing very little about Jews.  It's ok to call you Jews right? Things have to be so PC. now a days The other day I called " my girl"  colored and my daughter was so upset.


Frieda:  OK, OK girls lets get to the racy parts ( (giggling) I highlighted pg. 82 that was steamy!  But Laura,  I did have a question for you.


Me: shoot.


Frieda:  Now, Harry was clearly a good lover  (giggling again) but I thought Jewish men, well you know?
Me: no what?


Frieda:  Well, they have that ritual for baby boys, it's like OUR circumcision but they take more off right?  I mean don't they have a priest, no, not a priest, a Rabbi, yes that's it a Rabbi,  he comes and does something to the baby boy's you know what?  No, it's not a Rabbi, it's a mole, that's it a mole, he comes and the ritual, it's a Bross, no brist, no brass, oh never mind, my point is when the mole cuts it all off I would think that would hinder his, shall we say performance. ( laughs really hard).


Me:  Oh look at the time, it's been great ladies but I really have to go.


Alice: no, please don't go I got theme food in honor of the book,  I got bagels and matzoh and I thought we could all try a little lox.


Broomhilda:  Lox that's a Jewish food right?


I don't go to book club anymore, and I rarely have to explain to people why we can't take off eight days of work for Hanukkah, although I personally think that would be great.


At least I'm not Muslim, " So Laura, your people kill other people right?"

Loser in the express line

I was the loser in the express line!  I had my ten items or less and the total was $5.99.  I use my credit/ debt card because as usual I have no cash.  I am proud of my skills when using this machine.  I can swipe fast and press my credit or debt choice in a flash.  So I pick credit.

Cashier:  I am sorry mam, your card has been denied.

I don't panic I checked the balance.  I have $52.21 in my account

Me:  Well it must be your machine, I have $100,000.00 in my account I will just try doing debt.

The cashier does not look like she believes I have $100,000.00 in my account.  It could be because she can tell I have not cut my hair in two  years, I am wearing my favorite K Mart sweats and my white Nikes are now black with a small hole forming by the little toe.

I know for a fact the lady behind me with the whiny kid does not believe me because she says "  yeah right!"

I want to turn around and say " hey, you want to take this outside, just because I look this way does not mean I'm not rolling in it.  By the way give your kid the frikin candy, because  nobody wants to hear her whining anymore."

What I say is this " I am so sorry,"  Then I give a little apology smile that was met with a glare.

So I swipe again faster than a gun draw in a western.  Yep, I have this mastered.  I click debit and then it asks for my secret password.  Sh#t, what is it?  1234, or is it 4321, or is it 2468?  Damn, the cashier, the lady behind me, her brat, and the stupid machine have made me nervous.  Now I am having a mental block.  I apologize to the lady again and see that the line has gotten really long.  

I think, " nobody panic, everyone needs to just calm down here!  I know what your all thinking, your thinking you picked a bad line again!  yeah well, been there done that!  Didn't anyone teach you patience is a virtue!"

"Ok Laura think, panic will just make it worse"  I should just explain to them that a symptom of Peri menopause is forgetfulness.  I have a 20 year old son.  I am old, it is not my fault. In a couple  of weeks, after I have seen the gyno, I will get a miracle drug or cream and I won't ever forget my password again.  They will all understand.  The cashier will announce over the loud speaker what has occurred and customers will pat me on the back and tell me to take my time.

Thankfully I do not have to resort to that, " I remember!  Omg, I know it! I scream".

Cashier woman rolls her eyes and the lady behind me say's " Thank God".

Now it is my turn to glare at her.  The least she could do is show some excitement.  I put in my secret password and hold my breath.  It goes through.

I am smug.  I make sure to give the lady behind me and her brat a smug look.

" See, what did I tell you? It was all the machine".  "  That will teach you to not judge a book by it's cover".  

"  Maybe you will learn some patience and teach your little brat too."

Two weeks later I am in the express line.  I have cash.  Some guy forgets his password.  I think "  I don't have time for this crap! Write it on your hand if your that forgetful!  Why oh why do I always pick the bad lines, grrr this never fails!"  " And look at him, he looks like he does not have two dimes to rub together, I bet if I sigh really loud he will just give up".

I am immediately ashamed, I am a hypocrite.  I vow to love every screw up in line.  Even if they under count and really have 15 items, even if they need a dreaded price check.  I will love them all.

Sims torture

I used to be addicted to the Sims. When my kids first got it a few years ago, I never let them play. I probably would not have gotten so addicted except Matt taught me how to bypass the $$$ thing and I could have as much as I wanted.

Normally you would have to get a job and make money, but I soon found out it was a pain to give them a job. My Characters always missed work.
At first I made my family, everyone was attractive ( as attractive as you could make them). I took care of them, made sure they cleaned and went to the bathroom. They were showered and had good social lives.
Much like my Barbie's of youth, this got boring. I started to create really ugly people, I let them pee their pants. The first time my Sims guy peed his pants and cried to me, I practically peed my own pants, I was laughing so hard.

" Matt, Jennie" I screamed, " this is so funny, come see what I did, my Sims guy is crying and yelling at me". Nobody comes. " You guys hurry up this is so funny".
Matt: " what did you do to him ?"
Me: " I made him pee his pants, and he cried".
Jennie: " That's really sick". Me: " no it's not, I just wanted to see what happens if you don't let them pee".
Jennie: oh, I feel bad your guys depressed, look at his depression level, he needs friends".
" he needs exercise, he needs a job".

Ok fine I will let him work out in the new exercise equipment I just bought.

I click on the thing that makes him work out and he shakes his head no to me and says " uh uh".

The kids have left the room now, " Jennie Matt, get in here, my guy is refusing to work out", " he can't do that, I am in control!"

Jennie sighs, " Mom he's too depressed, look at his levels he needs sleep too". Fine he can sleep for a sec. I soon find out it is really fun to keep waking them up before they are ready. They get really mad and yell at you, they stomp their feet and scream " bin lau". They look right at you too. ha ha ha.

Jennie: " you are so sick" " and why aren't the Jennie and Matt kids at school?"

Me, " oh, they missed the bus again" " you know it's really hard to get them to that bus"
Matt: "They're fighting".

Me: " big deal kids fight" I say defensively. Truthfully, I purposely made all their personality's complete opposite so they would fight. I thought it was funny.

Jennie" we're all really ugly too, what's up with that? why does Jennie have such a big nose? Is my nose big?"

Jennie:" Mom, I am really worried about you, the house is disgusting, everyone is crying".

Me: " well if your so upset about the house, pitch in, I am relaxing with my game".

Matt: " Not OUR house! Your Sims house, and it's OUR game".


Well, I decided they were just ruining the whole Sims experience for me so they were banished to their rooms.

I thought for sure Expunge ( ex husband who I live with) would get how much fun this was. Every so often I would run into the bedroom where he was watching TV " OMG, I let Dan start on fire, he's dead" I say laughing. " huh, Dan who?" he would say paying half attention to me. " Dan, YOU " I would reply, " My virtual Sims Dan", " I let him die, in a fire" I would say smugly. " That's pretty sick" he would say paying attention now.



What is wrong with my family? Don't they know what's funny?

Eventually I tired of making my Sims fight, die and pee their pants.


Now when the kids are home from school I yell " Jennie, Matt, get in here and see the really funny picture on my blog!"


They say together " your really sick mom".

Car Wash

Car Wash

The following story happened quite awhile ago, so my memory might be a little fuzzy on the details, but I remember it well enough to know that I will NEVER go to one of those auto car washes again!

The car wash was part of one of those gas stations where there is no store, just a little booth. So, I pull up to the sign with all the instructions. I swear I read them thoroughly.

All I had to do was pick my car wash options and swipe my card and put the car in neutral on the tracks.

Or so I thought. So the car starts moving along the tracks and stops, this is when the machine is supposed to wash it, but nothing happens. Just like the stupid automatic bathroom sink. Anyway, I'm trapped in the car in a tunnel. And I am just sitting there, so I tentatively roll the window down and say " hello, you hoo, anyone there? Humm the car is not being washed, hello, I am stuck here" Another few minutes go by and I am debating if I should try and get out of the car. This poses two problems, one will my fat ass fit? Two, will the car wash start with me being out of the car?

Right when I decide I can't live in the car and my kids would be horrified to read headline MOM DIES OF STARVATION IN CAR WASH, the man from the booth runs over. He is saying something I can't understand because he is from some middle eastern country. This is what it sounded like to me, " Youdumbshitwoman OsamaBinladen can'tyoureaddirections auch?" "Putthecarindrive". What? Put the car in drive? Ok. Well, apparently that wasn't it because then he yells " NO, No, No, youareretarded, whywouldyouputthecarindrive? Saddamhussainyouaresophuckingstupid!

So, I put the car back in neutral and roll down the window and yell " I can't understand you, should I get out? Stop yelling at me!" The next thing I know I am being smacked in the head with a giant roller brush and foam is pouring onto my head and into the car. OMG! New headlines, MOM DIES AFTER DROWNING IN CAR WASH. So, I roll up the window as fast as I can, and as I am doing that I hear " Ach, FortheloveofAllah, Ihaveneverseenastupiderwoman". Like I said, this is what I understood him to be saying.

I could be wrong, but he sounded really pissed off. Well, I was a little pissed off myself, there was no need to be mean. I was almost killed by his stupid car wash. That's right, blame the victim. And furthermore, it is certainly not my fault you had to leave your booth. They should have someone at the car wash giving lessons. I would have gladly paid another two dollars for a little tutoring. But did your dinky one booth, broken car wash give me that option? No, it did not! The car finally rolls out of the tunnel. Booth man walks away shaking his head, saying, ( and this I understand very clearly) " What an idiot"

Five minutes later I am driving home and hear the familiar roar of thunder. " damnmysittyluck".